You know, sometimes my mind drifts back…..
…to all the mistakes I’ve made in the past 40 years. Little demons that lurk in the peripheral, waiting to catch me with my guard down. I think back and wonder what lack of forethought or wisdom caused me to fail. Why did I do that, knowing deep inside it was the wrong thing to do. Hindsight is my personal hell at times.
Just now I was thinking about my Army days. I’ve thought about them often, mostly my ROTC failures. My biggest problem then was I thought I could get by on motivation. It was not until years later that I realized that it wasn’t enough to act like a soldier, I had to be one. I had to be physically fit, mentally alert, and concentrate on my studies. Getting involved with the Kentucky Rangers (at the time it was more of a macho boys club. dont know how it is now), thinking they could teach me what I needed to know was stupid. Greg Washington already taught me what I needed to know, just by his example. I didn’t deserve Active Duty. I wasn’t ready yet. If only there were a way I could have gone back and tried again once I was able to be a leader.
Part of me thinks that it was just a train up. My time in service was just to prepare me for what I do today. Perhaps, but I still sit huddled inside myself, scared to death I’ll make a mistake. Mind you, I need not make the mistake overtly, I need only to do something that command doesn’t like for a reason they have not voiced to us. They live for hindsight. I live with it.